DOUG
By Jerome Chapman
| Characters: |
|
|
|
| Ned
Carson..................................... |
A
high school teacher |
| Walter
Simmons............................. |
A
high school teacher |
| Judy
Sweeney................................ |
A
high school guidance counselor |
| Dr.
Wayne Turgidson................... |
A
neurosurgeon |
| Dr.
Frank Smiley............................. |
Another
neurosurgeon |
| Kate |
|
|
Jeff |
|
| Eric....................................................
|
Student |
| Man
in tuxedo |
|
| Doug................................................ |
Gorilla |
| Benedict.......................................... |
Cafeteria
employee |
| Marty............................................... |
Cafeteria
employee |
| John................................................. |
Lawyer |
| Stanley............................................. |
Lawyer |
| |
|
| Scene One |
| |
| A
well lit high school classroom. Desks are arranged in rows. At the
front of the class is a teacher's desk and blackboard. Ned
is at the blackboard frozen in the process of writing the Quadratic
Formula. The part of Ned should be played with unswerving
calmness. Everything seems commonplace to him. He is only mildly
interested in the action on stage. He always seems bored and distracted
by the people in the room and is much more interested in the math
he is doing on the board. He frequently erases and rewrites to improve
his penmanship. He only shows emotion when he runs out of room on
the board for his calculations and must erase and start over. This
inspires unbridled fury, which is ignored by the rest of the class.
Only the student Eric is interested in his calculations.
No one else is in the room. A bell rings. Promptly at the conclusion
of the bell, action begins. Judy enters. |
|
|
|
| Judy |
|
Mr.
Carson? Do you have a moment? |
| Ned
|
|
(his
back is to her, he is disinterested-absorbed in his math) Yes Mrs.
Sweeney, but call me Ned. |
| Judy |
|
(seems
to be in a hurry, speaks with a condescending southern accent) |
|
|
Oh, ok, sure
Ted. Listen, you're going to be getting a new student today. He's
a transfer from out of town, and we just got information about
him today. His name is Doug, and he apparently has some severe
learning problems. He doesn't socialize well, he has trouble in
all of his subjects, except for government and economics for some
reason, and seems generally withdrawn.
|
| Ned
|
|
(pause
while scrutinizing the board, then noticing her) Uh-huh. |
|
Judy |
|
Well
he's being placed in your room "C" period. (Pause, then as if she
senses that he is angry, she offers her standard counselor flattery
line in a tone that is noticeably insincere) You just have a good
rapport with the kids, and uh we just think you would do a good
job accommodating his learning style and, uh, special needs. The
kids really look up to you, Ed. |
| Ned |
|
Ned.
(writing on the board) |
| Judy |
|
I'm
sorry, Ned. (Waits for response, but Ned is too absorbed in the
math. She looks at the board trying to see what he sees.) |
| Ned |
|
(He
notices her looking, stares at her with intent. Then erotically...)
You know Judy, trinomials are by far the most beautiful of all the
polynomials. There's nothing coy about a trinomial, Judy. (Moving
closer to her, looking at her body) I love everything about c-c-c-c-c-conic
sections. (Stuttering) |
| Judy |
|
(Looking
at him with fright and crossing her arms over her chest) What in
the hell are you talking about? You....... freak! (She runs from
the room.) |
| (As
she is leaving Ned turns around, looks at the board and collapses
against it as if to embrace it. He moves his hands around on the
board smearing the writing as Walter enters through the same door.) |
| Walter
|
|
(Concerned)
Hey Ned, What's the matter with Judy Sweeney? I just saw her running
and cry-(noticing the board for the first time) Whoa man, nice trinomials. |
| Ned |
|
(Stepping
up to the board to erase and start over.) Yeah. Whaddya need, Walter? |
| Walter |
|
(Confidentially)
I heard you're getting the new kid, this Doug. |
| Ned |
|
(writing)
Uh-huh. |
| Walter |
|
You're
up for tenure this year, aren't you? |
| Ned |
|
Uh-huh. |
| Walter |
|
Well
then this is it, buddy. This is your tenure test.(pause) You know,
your tenure test. (pause)Aw come on, man. Smell the coffee; read
the writing on the wall. They're testing you. Seeing if you can
take it. Yep, I remember my test. Poor kid named Larry Plebner.
Had Tourette's syndrome. Screamed "BOOGERS" at the top of his lungs
every 3 or 4 minutes. Try graphing a polar projection with that
going on. |
| Ned
|
|
(suddenly
profoundly interested) You get to do polar projections?! |
| Walter |
|
Oh
yeah, polar projections. Imaginary numbers, matrices.(As Walter
mentions these, Ned again collapses against the board in sensuous
delirium then gradually returns to his reconstruction of the quadratic
formula) Yeah, but I didn't crack. Never even went to the office
about it. That's what they want you know. No boat rocking. Take
care of it in class. Poor kid spent half the school year in my supply
cabinet. (nostalgically to himself) Sometimes I can still smell
him in there, (pause) Yep, take my advice, Ned. Don't make any waves.
Just go along. (Exit Walter) |
| Ned |
|
Uh-huh.
(The bell rings.) |
| (Enter
students in groups of two or three. Kate and Jeff enter together.
Jeff is good looking, but tough and mean. Kate is strikingly attractive.
She is wearing a skirt and fairly low cut blouse. Also enter Doug,
a full-grown Rwandan silver-back mountain gorilla. He sits in front
of Kate. Jeff sits behind Kate. Eric sits on the front row and is
profoundly interested in the lesson. Everyone else is quite disinterested
and either stares vacantly or is asleep. |
| Ned
|
|
Alright
class, I believe we have a new student in the class, (pauses, looks
around as if trying to spot the new face. Looks at the paper that
Judy left...)It says here that he's from Rwanda, (pauses again for
response. looks around the room) Is there a Doug here? |
| (upon
hearing his name, Doug leaps to his feet and beats his chest with
great speed and sudden intensity. He also lets out a powerful simian
roar. The other students react with apathy and disinterest. Pause) |
|
|
Ok.
(to class) Class this is Doug (pause-no response..one asleep student
falls to the floor and remains there. Pause) Ok. |
| Eric |
|
(annoyed)
Enough of this jawin'; Bring on the numbers! (Eric should not be
dressed as a Geek. He should be large, athletic, and his lines should
be delivered as though he were a sports fan yelling things from
the stands. Sometimes with annoyance, as if complaining to a referee,
sometimes with unbridled joy and enthusiasm. During the following
math lesson he constantly cheers {yeah, wooo, etc.}for each phrase
Ned utters building to a passionate crescendo.) |
| Ned |
|
Right
you are mister, (then turning and keeping his back to the class)
I introduced quadratic equations yesterday...and today I want to
show you one of the most sublime expressions in all of mathematics:
(writing the words) The... Quadratic... Formula. Just look at this.
(writing as he speaks) Negative B plus or minus the square root
of B squared minus four A C all over two A. (emotionally)Look at
its subtle beauty, (a nameless/ sleeping student falls to the floor
from his desk and remains there for the remainder of the play. He
is unnoticed by the rest of the characters.) The quadratic formula,
although cumbersome, will solve any quadratic equation. For many
equations, there are other, easier methods at arriving at a solution,
but these methods are limited in that they do not apply in all situations.
It's comforting in a way to know that the good old quadratic formula
is always there as a backup when easier solutions fail. It's just
so comprehensive in its scope. NOT JUST PLUS; NOT JUST MINUS, BUT
PLUS OR MINUS, (pause-then openly weeping) It's not some trendy,
fly by night, one night stand, short-cut formula. It's like a faithful
wife. Always there plugging away. Even when you go off and have
some wild fling with some cheap whore solution, she's waiting for
you, loving you, just in case you come home unsatisfied. |
| (As
Ned becomes overcome momentarily with emotion, Doug purposefully
drops his book so that Kate will pick it up. When she stoops to
pick it up, he looks down her revealing blouse, stands up and beats
his chest furiously. She notices him looking, their eyes meet, she
strokes his fur then aggressively thrusts him back in his desk,
sits in his lap, and they begin to kiss passionately. Jeff is getting
angry.) |
|
|
She's
there waiting to solve all your problems for you (then turning quickly
to face the class. Viciously, and brandishing a pistol...) ONLY
YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN CARE! (he shoots Jeff six times. No one notices
except Eric.) |
| Eric |
|
Wooooo!
NICE SHOOTING SOLDIER! (Pause, then Loudly Enter Man in Tuxedo) |
| Man
in Tux |
|
STOP THAT
WEDDING!! (everyone suddenly pays attention, even Doug and Kate who have
been getting very physical. Long pause) Oh, excuse me... I'm very sorry,
(exit Man in Tuxedo. All return to their previous respective states of apathy
or passion.) |
| Ned |
|
Well.
Where was I? (looking at the board) |
| Kate |
|
(pause
in passionate embrace only long enough to deliver line and resume. Calling
to him without looking at him very quickly as if she had committed to memory
everything he had said...) She's there waiting to solve all your problems
for you, only you people don't even care. |
| Ned |
|
Ah yes.
The glorious Quadratic. (Suddenly with inspiration) You know what the quadratic
equation is? (Pause, chuckling) It's radical (hysterical laughter from Ned
only. Everyone else maintains whatever they're doing.)Get it? (pointing
to the Square root sign in the formula) RADICAL! (Pauses waiting for response,
Eric cheers wildly, another student falls to the floor and remains there.
Enter very bloody Wayne Turgidson frantically dressed in surgical garb.
He has apparently walked out on a major brain operation that for some unknown
reason is occurring in the hall. He is overcome with self doubt.) |
| Wayne |
|
Oh my
god!! (Shouting and falling to his knees.) I don't know what I'm doing!! |
| Ned |
|
(very
calmly) Wayne Turgidson, this tardiness has got to stop; do you have a pass? |
| Eric |
|
(loving
it) Yeah Turgidson/ Where's your pass, dork? |
| Wayne |
|
You don't
understand, Mr. Carson. I have a patient out there dying because of my wretched
scatterbrain, and you want a pass? |
| Ned |
|
Look Wayne,
I'm sick of excuses. You're looking at detention. (enter Frank Smiley furiously.
He is also bloody and wearing surgical garb.) |
| Frank |
|
Dammit
Turgidson, your patient is dying! You are a neurosurgeon; you don't just
walk out on an operation! |
|
|
| Wayne |
|
I know,
Frank. I know. I just went blank as we were about to breach the corpus colossum.
(pause then whimsically) I'll tell you what it was like! It was like when
you're trying to remember an actor's name. It's right on the tip of your
tongue, but just out of reach. I'm standing there, and suddenly I don't
know an amygdala from a hypothalamus... then I look at the time and realize
I'm late for math... again. |
| Frank |
|
You walk
out of emergency brain surgery for a stupid math class? (Eric rises menacingly) |
| Wayne |
|
Hey, my
education comes first. |
| Frank
|
|
Are numbers
going to help that guy on the table? Maybe a few derivatives will repair
his brain stem? You gonna save that guy's life with a matrix? I ask you
(challenging Ned) What are you going to do to solve this little problem
teach? (all eyes are on Ned, even the people who have collapsed have awakened
and gathered around to see the showdown. Finally even Doug shows interest. |
| (long
pause/ the music to Ennio Morricone's "Theme from The Good, the Bad and
the Ugly" can be heard briefly.) |
| Ned |
|
(smugly)
Eric, do you care to handle this one? |
| Eric |
|
(pause)
Did you try... .(painfully long pause).........factoring? |
| Frank |
|
(pause,
then embarrassed and stammering) Well... uh... (looks at Wayne for support,
but he is looking at the floor in shame, then shamefully) of course. I guess
I just wasn't thinking. I guess I had better head back. (to Wayne) You coming? |
| Wayne |
|
Um uh
no. You think you can handle it? |
| Frank
|
|
Yeah I
got it now that I have that (embarrassed) uh factoring tip. That should
get me through the rest of the procedure. |
| Intense
passionate physicality between Doug and Kate builds to a surreal crescendo.
Doug is completely out of control. This should play as an animalistic frenzy.
Kate at first is excited, but then becomes panicky. Ned rushes to his desk
and opening a drawer, pulls out a whip and lashes Doug mercilessly for a
period of time far longer than it takes Doug to stop the offending activity.
The whipping goes on and on. Kate leaves straightening her clothes. The
other students act as though nothing strange is going on. Eric is frantic
with excitement encouraging Ned. |
| |
|
|
|
|
| Scene
Two |
| As
the lights come up we see a cafeteria style lunch room. All patrons
are wearing business suits, carry enormous "planners" and are seated
in large, executive office chairs. They never leave these chairs,
but scoot wherever they go. The constant noise of cellphones and beepers
is heard in the background. In addition, occasionally, a louder cellphone/beeper
noise is heard as though it is nearby. The response is that everyone
on stage has to stop to check if the noise is coming from their particular
device. In doing this, all communication is immediately broken off,
people visibly swivel away from each other to check their devices.
The effect of this activity on the action of the scene should be a
kind of frustrating, staccato movement. Spoken lines are not fluid;
ideas are disjointed. Everyone is talking; no one is listening. Phone
messages and beeper messages are apparently much more important than
face to face conversation. At the rear of the stage is a lunch counter
with trays that slide along. No one can get very far because of the
constant ringing of cell phones and pagers. The main characters have
to shout to be heard. Above the Lunch Counter is a large picture ofThoreau.
Behind the counter are two employees dressed in fast food uniforms.
Benedict is fat. Marty is short and thin. These two are the only characters
who do not follow the seemingly mechanized pattern that the noise
creates. Enter lawyers John and Stanley in chairs. They proceed to
the cafeteria line and begin their stop and go Journey down the sliding-tray
cafeteria rail. |
| John |
|
(fairly
loudly) I've been doing a lot of thinking about this case, Stanley. |
| Stanley |
|
(Checking
his silverware for cleanliness) What? (loud ring) Oh wait. (everyone
checks; the ring belongs to no one) WHAT? |
| John |
|
I
SAID I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT THE CASE. YOU KNOW THE GORILLA
CASE. |
| (loud
ring) |
| Stanley |
|
I...oh
hold on. (checks along with John and all executives on stage; nameless
extra answers his phone and begins frantically looking through his
planner.)(to John) I'm sorry, you were saying? |
| John |
|
THE
GORILLA CASE- I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT, AND I'M NOT SURE HOW TO
APPROACH IT. |
| Stanley |
|
Look,
John (ring) Oops, hang on. (It is his. Furiously thumbing through
his planner he says "yeah" a few times and hangs up.) I've worked
a thousand gorilla cases. The trick is to use the fact that he is
a gorilla to advance your case. For instance (ring) oh, wait... (not
his; some one else goes to town in his planner.) Where was I? |
| John |
|
USE
THE GORILLA. |
| Stanley |
|
Right.
The key is... |
| Benedict |
|
(To
Stanley) What'llitbe? |
| Stanley |
|
Uh,
I'll have the (ring) hang on (not his) I'll have the hamburger steak,
(to John) What was I saying? |
| Benedict |
|
It's
Salisbury Steak. |
| Stanley
|
|
WHAT? |
| Benedict |
|
IT'S
SALISBURY STEAK. HAMBURGER STEAK DOESN'T COME WITH TOOTHSOME GRAVY. |
| Stanley |
|
ALRIGHT,
I'LL HAVE THAT AND BLACKEYED PEAS. (to John) Anyway (ring) hold up...
(it's his-another animated wrestling match with the planner-a few
"yeah's" and a "no" or two. Checks a date with John who wrestles with
his planner. Something is agreed upon.) Any way the key is... |
| Benedict |
|
THEY
ARE PURPLE HULLS. |
| Stanley |
|
What? |
| John |
|
I
THINK HE MEANS THE PEAS. |
| Stanley |
|
What
peas? |
| Benedict |
|
YOU
SAID BLACKEYED PEAS WHEREAS THESE ARE CLEARLY PURPLE HULLS. |
| Stanley |
|
(to
John)I never could tell the difference between those (to Benedict)
OK let me have some Purple Hulls, (to John) The key, John, is to use
what we are presented with. Now think about this. Yes, Doug is a gorilla,
but he is also an American. An American born in Africa. That, my friend,
makes him an African American and Bingo, we got ourselves a discrimination
case. Think of the press-White Teacher Whips African American. Baby,
we are in the money, (ring) Time out (not his) |
| Benedict |
|
DESSERT
SIR? |
| Stanley |
|
Is
that Lemon Pie? |
| Benedict |
|
NO.
|
| Stanley |
|
Well
what is it? |
| Benedict |
|
IT'S
LIME PIE SIR. THE LEMON PIE CLEARLY HAS A VANILLA WAFER PIE WALL. |
| Stanley |
|
Pie
wall? |
| Benedict |
|
YES
SIR. THE HEEL OF THE PIE. IMAGINE LOOKING AT THE PIECE OF PIE MATHEMATICALLY
FROM ABOVE. THE SLIGHTLY ARCED BASE OF THE ISOSCELES TRIANGLE YOU
SEE IS THE PIE WALL OR HEEL OF THE PIE. IN THE CASE OF LEMON PIE,
IT IS CONSTRUCTED OF VANILLA WAFERS. |
| Previosly
unseen, by the audience is a handcuffed Ned having lunch with his
lawyers. At the mention of the isosceles triangle he stands profoundly
interested and is quickly/creed back into his seat by his lawyers.
No one notices. |
| Stanley |
|
I'll
pass. |
| John |
|
BUT
HE WAS IN THE PROCESS OF RAPING THAT GIRL. |
| Stanley |
|
Jesus
Christ, John. Where did you go to law school? Have you never studied
Kuntsler? We are going to use the Simian Rage Defense, (ring) Woop.
(Checks, as does everyone but John. Another ring sounds- all eyes
on John who is thinking) I think that is yours. |
| John
|
|
OH
JESUS! (wrestles with the phone) |
| Benedict |
|
What
for you sir? |
| John |
|
NOTHING!
(tries to answer phone but it is too late) OH GOD. (furiously goes
through planner trying to figure out whose call he has missed.) |
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Benedict |
|
Whaddya
mean, nothing? |
| John |
|
I
DON'T WANT ANYTHING! (still looking frantically in the planner) |
| Benedict |
|
Then
why did you get a tray? |
| John |
|
CRAP,
I MISSED MY 12:35. (hits himself in the forehead with the planner
as a sort of penance) I'm sorry, Stanley. What were you saying about
the Simian Rage defense? |
| Benedict
|
|
HEY
I WANNA KNOW ABOUT THE TRAY! YOU THINK YOU CAN COME IN HERE, GET A
TRAY AND NOT BUY ANYTHING? DON'T YOU KNOW WE GO IN THE HOLE ON THAT
DEAL? |
| Marty |
|
You
tell'em Benedict. |
| Benedict |
|
MARTY
HERE JUST WASHED THAT TRAY NOT 30 MINUTES AGO SO THAT IT WOULD BE
READY FOR A PAYING CUSTOMER, AND YOU GO DIRTYING IT UP JUST FOR THE
HELL OF IT. YOU JUST WANT US TO TAKE THE LOSS AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
WE'LL NEVER SEE THAT SOAP AGAIN. YOU ARE THE MODEL OF INEFFICIENCY. |
| John
|
|
Sorry.
|
| Benedict
|
|
Fuck
you. |
| John |
|
(to
Stanley) What were you saying? I mean I've heard of the Black rage
defense. |
| Stanley |
|
In
the Simian Rage Defense, we claim that being a Simian in a human dominated
environment creates so much tension and angst that the slightest provocation
could have sent our client over the edge. |
| John |
|
Don't
you think that by making these thinly veiled comparisons between gorillas
and Blacks that we run the risk of being labeled racist ourselves?
Aren't you worried that a jury would see through this facade we are
creating? |
| Stanley |
|
Who
are you? Roger fucking Ebert? You're being too analytical. Stay on
the surface. Don't overestimate the intelligence of the guy on the
street. Nobody sees these patterns, certainly not a guy too fucking
stupid to get out of jury duty. The race card is a lock. |
| John |
|
I
see. So maybe we could suggest that the teacher is a racist because
he reacted so quickly when it was a white girl seemingly being attacked.
Maybe if she had been another gorilla... (they sit at a table) |
| Stanley |
|
Now
you're getting it! Being a lawyer means looking for opportunity. You
have to turn adversity into advantage. Suppose there's this 1300 pound
Guinness book fat guy, and you're his lawyer. How would you advise
him? |
| John |
|
(Pause)
I guess I would tell him to approach the National Hockey League about
a position as a goalie. |
| Stanley |
|
And
a pro hockey salary... |
| Together |
|
BUYS
A LOTTA FUCKIN' TWINKIES! (they High Five as best they can in their
chairs) |
| Stanley |
|
I
see a bright future for you my boy. (Huge ring-everybody checks and
answers at once; everyone gets a call simultaneously and spends the
rest of the scene thumbing insanely through planners. Ned's lawyers
are so distracted that Ned is able to sneak away.) |
| Lights
dim on executives; intensify on Benedict and Marty signifying a shift
in focus. |
| Benedict |
|
I
am filled with existential dread. |
| Marty |
|
You
can say that again. |
| Benedict |
|
(annoyed-not
looking at him) Shut up you freak. I was not talking to you. |
| Marty |
|
(sincerely)
Oh, hey man, I'm sorry. I did it again, didn't I? It's just that when
you start talking, and there's no one else here, I think you are talking
to me. |
| Benedict |
|
Don't
you ever think out loud? Don't you ever have a thought and want to
give it utterance for no other reason than to establish it clearly? |
| Marty |
|
(very
long pause as they stare at each other) Are you talking to me? |
| Benedict |
|
YES
GODDAMN IT! |
| Marty
|
|
Oh.
Well, yeah I guess I do that sometimes... but not as completely as
you do. Like this morning when I burned my arm on the breadpan, I
thought "Oh Shit that really hurts." But I think I only said the "Oh
shit" part. |
| Benedict |
|
(utterly
frustrated with Marty's inability to relate to him, he finally breaks
off the angry stare. Then to himself) God what am I doing here? |
| Marty
|
|
I
know what you mean. |
| Benedict |
|
SHUT
UP! |
| Marty
|
|
You
said we were talking! What's bugging you anyway? |
| Benedict |
|
What's
bugging me? I'll tell you what's bugging me. The absolute absurdity
of our existence is what is bugging me. You see that painting? Do
you even know who that is? |
| Marty
|
|
I
think you told me once. But I can't remem... |
| Benedict |
|
It's
Thoreau you brainless lemming. He said we should simplify our lives,
that the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation, that our lives
are filled with too much getting and spending, that our lives are
frittered away by detail. Now look at all these assholes, and tell
me if he was right. |
| Marty |
|
Um...
yes? |
| Benedict |
|
(seething
with frustration)You're not supposed to actually answer the question
you fucking cretin. |
| Marty |
|
You
were looking right at me that time! You were talking right to me! |
| Benedict |
|
IT'S
CALLED A RHETORICAL QUESTION YOU... ARRGGHH(bangs his head violently
against back wall) |
| Marty |
|
I'm
sorry, man. I guess I'm just not that familiar with what's his name. |
| Benedict
|
|
(softened
slightly by Marty's humility)Well, you should be. Everyone should
be. He had an understanding of things that few people possess. Like
time for instance. Do you know what he said about time? |
| Marty
|
|
(very
long pause-he is hesitant to respond-finally, sheepishly) Is that
a rhetorical question? |
| Benedict |
|
(becomes
enraged, then gradually calms himself down enough to say) He said
"Time is but the stream I go fishing in." That is an enlightened perspective. |
| Marty |
|
I
love to fish. |
| Benedict |
|
For
him, time is fluid like a stream. It is constantly moving and changing
and adapting. You can't catch it. (pause) But look at these morons.
They've got their planners and their watches and their schedules.
It's like they are all standing in the river trying to scoop up a
little bit of it and define it and demarcate it. (he looks to Marty
to check for comprehension) |
| Marty
|
|
(Sensing
the need of a response and attempting to mimic Benedict's scorn for
the masses he says unconvincingly) I just wish these fuckers would
get out of the fucking river. |
| As
Marty returns to work, Benedict (with a steely stare) brains him with
a cast iron skillet. Marty falls behind the counter. Benedict puts
down the skillet, and picks up a meat cleaver. He crouches down behind
the counter, and hacks away at Marty's body. With each strike we see
the bloody cleaver rise leaving grisly blood trails on the counter
and rear walls. Benedict stands and leaves. No one in the restaurant
is aware of any of this. |
| Blackout |
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